Five Years Later

When a child is gone way too soon and memories are all that are left behind, what is a parent to do?  How do we survive?  How are we supposed to continue living with the grief?  Do we grieve ourselves into eternity?  Do we pray for the pain associated with our grief to cease?  Will the grief or pain even lessen with time?

What about all of the dreams ~ the dreams that are now broken with no possibility of ever coming to fruition?  All of the dreams that I had for you ... the graduation, happy marriage, children of your own ~ my grandchildren, professional success ... maybe even grandiose fame or wealth!  How am I supposed to merge my reality with my dreams for you?  Only fools deny reality.  Am I a fool in denial? 

I could write it a million times and it would still hold the same meaning ... I miss you ... so much.  The void of your physical presence weighs on me just as heavy today as it did yesterday, last week, last month, and last year.  I will never recover from losing you.  I will never come to terms with my "broken dreams."
 

I know that you didn't want to hurt me.  I know that you wanted to live and I know that you tried to live.  I have never asked "Why?".  Loria, I understand.  I will never be anything less than proud of you.  I always admired your courage in life and you are still my hero.

On September 9, 2006, it will have been five years since that awful day ... the day that my world stopped revolving ... the day that you left me.  Did you hear me tell you "I love you."?  Did you feel me caressing your face?  Did you sense my dreams breaking?

I know that you walk with me every day.  But I still miss you ... and I always will.  The grief will stay with me and I know that it'll never go away.  You are always in my thoughts and forever in my heart.  I love you Loria.

Forever Grieving,
Your Mom
August 14, 2006

P.S.  As I do in your memory every year, I planted sunflowers for you again this summer.  This year I went beyond the yard and also planted them along the highway that your sister adopted in your memory.  I hope you like them ...