Christmas 2003 ~ Still Missing Loria



 

December 25th, 2003 ~ It will be another day that
I think of how much I love and miss you.

I apologize in advance to others that may be offended,
but I have a difficult time feeling
*joyous* about anything this time of year.

Losing a child changes your entire life ~ forever.
There can't be anything that you can continue
to call 'normalcy'.  Nothing is the same and
it seems that nothing ever will be again.

I can no longer decorate for the holidays.
I have no desire to do so.  Loria won't be
coming home to visit this Christmas or any
Christmas in my future.  Loria will not be able
to bring any grandchildren into my life and
I can only dream about what I'm missing.
With Loria's suicide, so much was taken
from our family.  And one of the most
horrifying thoughts that I have every day
is when I remind myself that it COULD have
been prevented.  She didn't want to leave us.

Again this year, Loria is celebrating the birth
of baby Jesus with her friends in Heaven.
For certain, her mental anguish and physical
pains that resulted from her illness are no
longer causing her to suffer.  She is certainly
in a universe free of pain, heartache,
frustration and evil.  I miss her terribly and
will never forget that she L-I-V-E-D.
Nor will I ever let anyone else forget.

I know that it's selfish of me to want her
back with me.  But what kind of Mother
would I be if I didn't want my child with me?
I want to hold her, attempt to soothe her pain,
and tell her how much she means to me ~ I
want her to be MY DAUGHTER again.
She was a gift and I wasn't ready to give her
back to God.  I know that she is happier in Heaven.
Life on Earth was terribly hard on Loria.

Borrowing the following lines from
"I Am With God"
by Norman Vincent Peale:

"For one thing - she has won our admiration -
because even if she lost the war, we give her
credit for her bravery on the battlefield.
And we give her credit for the courage
and pride and hope that she used as
her weapons as long as she could.
We shall remember not her death, but her
daily victories gained through her kindnesses
and thoughtfulness, through her love
for her family and friends...
for all things beautiful, lovely, and honorable.
We shall remember not her last day of defeat,
but we shall remember the many days that
she was victorious over overwhelming odds.
We shall remember not the years we
thought she had left, but the intensity
with which she lived the years that she had.
Only God knows what this child of His
suffered in the silent skirmishes
that took place in her soul.
But our consolation is that God
does know, and understands."
 

Happy Heavenly Christmas my sweet child.
I'll always love you and will never let your memory die.

Love, Mom